When I was in high school math class, it intrigued the heck out of me that there were some kind of equations that had more than one correct answer. If you stopped at the first answer, because it worked, and never saw the second answer, that also worked, you would be missing the truth of the equation.  So too,  I think, in life.

There are qualities that make one an adult, the easiest one, of course, being age: 18 or 21 or whatever we agree on. But that only makes a person a technical adult. What is it that makes a person a true adult?  I have always believed that it is the taking  on of responsibilities – really meaning duties, I think now –  that defines adulthood. And I still believe that is true. But there is more truth about adulthood that I haven’t been thinking enough about.  This week though I saw something I had not realized explicitly before that I think more precisely defines an adult, no matter their age nor their responsibilities. And that is: protection.  Adults – meaning people who can be trusted to act as adults – protect, above all else, don’t they?

My father was not a good father. He was, as those who know me have often heard me say, a good citizen. He took care of my needs for community safety, for food, clothes, medical care, education and so forth. He did not take care of my internal need for safety from his anger, and too often, his rage. He was a reactor. Internally then I had to develop ways to protect myself from him.  

When we went to live with Aunt Rita and Uncle Frank (see my historical blog postings), it was a breath of fresh air.  They were both adults. Uncle Frank did not dump his feelings on us the way my father did. I looked up to him in many ways. Being in his presence did not threaten my safety, internal or external, ever. Although he was still a reactor, he was – is there such a thing? – a reasonable one.  Being in his presence was to be in the presence of an adult. 

But there is another level of protection that Uncle Frank did not – I really think, could not – give me. Aunt Rita and Msgr. Huntington did though.  I struggle to explain this even to myself, even at my age. My father gave me external protection – physical ; Uncle Frank gave me internal protection – psychological, I suppose;  But what protection did Aunt Rita and Msgr. Huntington give me?  

Wasn’t it spiritual protection? They taught me, separately, that blame is not a proper way of seeing ourselves.  Neither one believed in blame as a proper dynamic within relationships. Isn’t that then spiritual protection? And wasn’t it that perspective that led me down the road of eventually building a safe relationship with myself?  A relationship that neither my father nor Uncle Frank were ready (able?) to give me. 

Having older kids in the house again I am recognizing that using control to try to protect them can’t work in a society (if it ever did) with the internet and smart phones. So, parenting in 2025 sure gets one thinking in terms of protection.  My parental job – above all? – is to teach them about protection: physical, psychological, and, most especially, spiritual.  I cannot allow myself, or them, to be distracted by anything else. I must measure their distance from adulthood, not in years, or accomplishments. I must measure that distance in their understanding of protection, their willingness to always protect, and their habitual, automatic even,  behavior of protection. They are – Msgr. H explicitly taught me this –  to protect anyone and every one who crosses their path. 

My model is not being a “good citizen” like my father. Nor is it being an “adult man” like Uncle Frank. The model is being an always present “fully protective person” –  living beyond the culture, like my beloved and still, 25 years after their deaths, very much missed, Aunt Rita and Msgr. Huntington – my true, though not my factual, parents. 

All of which must lead us to ask ourselves: what level of protection has been given to the multiply betrayed kids who cross our path? What has that level done to them? And what is then called for from us?

There is only one answer: protection.

Jack