It has been much too long since my last posting. I have told myself a number of true things as reasons why; but though true, they have been excuses:
Danny has finally – after three months – started school. Were I to keep him out of school for three months, I’d be charged immediately with child abuse. I’m glad he’s finally there, of course, but I have to wake him up at 5:45 am for him to make his bus 45 minutes later, so school can start at 7:15. All the research that I have seen in recent years says that kids from his age on up need to start school later in the day, rather than earlier. So is this schedule based on the needs of the kids? Or on someone else’s needs? It feels abusive to me. But I do finally have some uninterrupted periods of time where I can concentrate. Yet, I posted during his first two months here with no school and much too few of those uninterrupted times…..
I have finally found Abraham’s grave. That has been haunting me. His widow, in retaliation, I assume, for whatever grievous insult she apparently suffered at our hands, would not even tell us if he was buried – let alone, where. But with my nephew I went out searching last week and found it. There is no headstone, of course. And I am forbidden to put one up – only the owner of the plot can do that. So the only marker is the temporary one from the funeral home, with Abe’s name, his street nickname, and the dates of his birth and death. It is not how I wanted him buried, and I am more furious at him for marrying this woman who, as a result, had total control of his funeral, than I am at her. How a one year marriage legally trumps twenty five years of parenting is beyond me.
And then there was the waiting for the sentencing of Abe’s killers. It happened as scheduled. Two of them got 2-6 years; the third got 3-6 as he had an earlier felony. Another of my adult sons, took time off from work to go to the sentencing. I couldn’t risk it, lest his widow be there – as she was scheduled to speak. I’d have said things to her that I would not be proud of. But, she didn’t show, so no one was there from the family except my son. He reported that one of the guys did apologize in open court and that the family of one of them (same one?) came up to him afterwards and also apologized. It’s interesting how that made me feel better – not for me really. How does an apology make up for taking my son’s life? But it made me feel better for that guy. It gave me hope that maybe he woke up – there is that consistent phrase of mine again: “woke up.”
I decided, after thinking about it for nearly six months, that I want to speak to these three. Now that all the legal stuff is over, I can’t imagine that they have anything to lose, by agreeing to such. My son asked me last night what would be my point. I don’t really know. Certainly, I want to know from their perspective what happened. But there is something deeper going on there: three more ruined lives will not make me feel any better about Abe’s death. Revenge really is hollow. But maybe by having a conversation with me, each of them could come to terms with what they did and turn it into some positive re-start. That’s not why I want to meet with them, though. I need to do it for me. Maybe standing in for Abe, were he alive to do it? A closure of some sort? I don’t know. In any event, I wrote to each of them in state prison yesterday. We’ll see what happens.
So, what does all this have to do with my postings? I’m not sure. This blog is supposed to be about my perspectives on foster care adoption, and certainly Abe’s death moved the blog immediately and heavily into a very personal realm. Maybe I’ve needed some way to put closure to all that’s happened both with Abe and Danny, so I could get back to “normal.” I don’t know.
But, curiously, writing this to post to the blog is lifting a weight off me regarding the blog. I would have felt phony dealing with any other topic before I dealt with these. I opened them up in the blog; I suppose I felt I had to close them. They are now closed.